Time

I've been to college twice. First, in my early 20's, to study commercial art with an emphasis on photography, second, in my early 30's to study fine art with, once again, an emphasis on photography. During my days studying commercial photography I once had a well know photographer come to my class to speak. Excited about getting to hear the profound wisdom this wonderful photographer had to share, I was in awe at what I really walked away with. In awe because it wasn't until I began studying fine art that I realized the impact the few words he said, had on me. At the very beginning of the class he stood there, coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, (yes, I'm old enough to remember when you could smoke in the school) and he asked the class what the most important thing in photography was... not just photography but in art. A few of the students raised their hands and spouted off what they thought he wanted to hear... composition, lighting, the relationship between light and dark....

He set his coffee down, put out his cigarette, picked up the chalk and on the board, in big, capital letters he wrote, TIME!!!

How profound. In the technical sense he is right. The time to expose film and print, the time to compose. For location shooting the right time of day. In the commercial business side of it... getting the job finished, on time for the art director. It's implications in the fine art sense where true as well but in a more existential way for, your life is your art.

I've spent the better part of my life trying to figure out what it means to be an artist and much of that during a time when I hated the title artist and wasn't quite sure I had a definition for the term art. During that time I have come to one conclusion... it never ends.

Time is not a deadline, it's a journey. I spend a vast amount of time considering what it is I do, for my art, for myself, for my surroundings. How will the world define me during this time and the next. "Now," never exist. The present always rolls over to the past and we can't foresee the end of the journey. Being an artist never ends.

We can set down the camera, the brushes, the chisels, the clay... but we can't stop the process of being an artist. Our minds move through the journey of time, always creating, always seeing, always speaking. Art manifest itself in the tangible. It is not the painting or the sculpture or the photograph that is the art... it is the never ending thoughts that go on in the artist's mind and it's only during the course of time these visions manifest themselves and become a part of the tangible world in which we live.

The Responsible Artist

It has recently been brought to my attention that I, as an artist of the female form, should be mindful of the ramifications that may impede my models, as a result of the images I create. Now that this issue has been brought to the surface, I am not questioning my agenda but that of the model.

I work with adults and adults only. It is not my job to babysit nor hand-hold those that choose to participate in the create process which result in my images. As I look at this issue it has occurred to me that there are a lot worse things that an individual could do than to model for me... clothed or otherwise. A boyfriend, family member, or friend, may not understand nor except the concept of my images but it's not my job to look into the future and take responsibility of the actions exhibited by the models.

In the past 18 months I have photographed approximately 45 models. I do this work free of charge. The models have willing participated in the process of creating these images. I have never coerced nor deceived these models into thinking that this process was anymore than the creation of the images. In these past 18 months, I've had 2 models ask me to remove images I had created of them from my online portfolios or blogs. In both cases I accommodated them and removed the images in question. At no point did I feel I was censoring myself. In fact, I removed the images to honor the wishes of my friends.

In each case the reason for the request was brought on by a newly formed relationship with "boyfriends." Boyfriends who weren't in the relationship at the time the images were created.

My question is this... as an artist, is it my responsibility to foresee; to predict how my images will be interpreted or defined later down the road? Is it my responsibility to foresee the future path my models will take? Should I concern myself with how future relationships may be affected by the actions my models take?

The individual who brought this topic to the surface advised me that, "in the future as you choose your muses... consider them." If that's the case then should the reverse be true? Should the muse consider me... consider the mental energy that goes into my images? The image itself is not the art but a mere manifestation of the art. A tangible representation of the energy that courses through the artist's being.

Valuable Lessons

Over the past several weeks I've learned a valuable lesson. A lesson that started in what I had hope to be a very close friendship yet ended in deceit and the painful exposure of ones true self. Not the truth of myself but the truth of another. Another who lied and used latent feelings to fulfill a selfish desire.

My emotions are hurting right now and it's hard to find my voice to express how it is I'm feeling. I've lost a friend because of that friends selfish wants and desires. I can no longer continue the charade that was, of the past few weeks.

It is experiences like this, that fuel my desire to create and to share those creations with the world. To give back with hope that the world will learn from my experiences.

Introduction, part duex.

As the title suggest... Part 2.

I've decided to start this blog as a means to show my work and to express my thoughts and feelings about that work and the relationship I have with it. Many things define me as a person and most if not all of those definitions add up to the sum of being an artist. A son, a brother, a man, a human, a lover, a boyfriend; each have there own experiences and yet each culminate to form who I am.

This blog, I hope, will tap into each to give a better outlook for the work I do.

Introduction

Who I Am (As of 3:24 am on Wednesday, December 20, 2006)

1. I am insecure. I have low self-confidence and low self-esteem. There are times when I feel smart, handsome, and worthy of my wonderful friends, but oftentimes I'm just not satisfied with myself.

2. I am a creature of habit.

3. I am a plethora of defense-mechanisms. I am sarcastic, I joke around a lot, and I avoid uncomfortable situations as best I can. I put up walls, because in my experience, when I've told people deep, personal things, they've either betrayed my trust, accused me of lying, or ran away from me. I have some good friends now who I can trust with these personal things, but I can't help but put up other walls.

4. I am pathetically romantic. One of my greatest fears in life is that I'll never fall in love with someone who loves me back as strongly, or that if I do, the love will fade.

5. I am hypocritical. I dislike things in others that I see in myself. This mostly happens with my parents, as I see things I dislike about myself that I've gotten from them, and resent them for it. I'm easily annoyed when I'm sleep-deprived, in a bad mood, hungry, or when I haven't been taking my meds. As I'm often one or more of these things, I'm often easily annoyed. Whether or not I'll address my annoyances in a positive or negative way is relative to which way my mood happens to be swinging. It bothers me when people have frequent mood-swings. Like I said, I'm hypocritical.

6. I am a person with high potential in many areas. I don't reach it as often as I'd like. I could do wonderful things with my life, but I don't. I have the ability to do a million different amazing things. But I don't.

7. I am a supportive friend. If I feel that you are a close friend of mine, consider yourself in good hands. This is a more recent development in my personality, as I used to be much more selfish than I am now. I'll do anything for my friends, and most of them know it. But besides treating my friends to a meal far too often, I am always ready to listen and do whatever I can to help their respective situations. However, don't take advantage of me, my kindness, my generosity, or my creativity!!!

8. I am both outgoing and shy. I get nervous talking to people I don't know. I'm much more likely to sit in a corner and wait to be spoken to than to join a large group of people having a conversation. However, when I'm with my friends, I never shut up. I'm crazy. I'm loud. I crack jokes all the time. But then if someone with whom I feel uncomfortable shows up, I shut down.

9. I am confused. I know that I want to be a outstanding photographer, but I don't know how I'm going to achieve that goal. I know I want a girlfriend, but I don't know if I can stand the pain of breaking up and the aftermath again. I know I want people to like me, but I don't want to change who I am. I know what about myself I don't like, but I don't know how to change those things. I know I want to be perfect, but I don't even know what perfection is, or if it exists.

10. I am carbon-based. My body is 75% water. I use something like a tenth of my brain... I can't remember the exact fraction. I'm human.